then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
