my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
