Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
