Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
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