Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
