I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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