i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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