please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
