You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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