There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
