I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
