My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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