I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
