all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
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