Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
