I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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