There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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