He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize