so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
