Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
