my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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