Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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