I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
