I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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