Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
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