Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize