Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
