I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
In other news, I just burned my penis
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Randomize
