i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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