Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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