I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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