those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
