grandma shit on top of the toilet
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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