did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
