Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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