I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
