mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
foreskin is a definite game changer
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Randomize
