He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize