This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
