I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
