Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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