I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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