3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
