I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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