Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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