If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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