the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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