Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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