I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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