Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think your dad took our porno
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize