a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
