My liver just broke up with me...
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
