Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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