I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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