you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize