dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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