I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
