Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
