I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Randomize